In this article:
Men play to win
Women play to get along
Women in the 1% play like men. They don’t take “no” for an answer
How more women can get what they want by playing and winning the game that men are playing
The Challenge: Men Play to Win. Women Play to Get Along
At work and in life, men go for what they want and get their way more often than women.
Men apply for jobs when they are 60% qualified compared to women who wait until they are 100% qualified.
Men do less housework than women even when they don’t work.
We women get very annoyed by this. The men who ask for the top assignment right out of the gate. The men who come home and sit on the couch while we put things away and get dinner started. We’ve complained and it doesn’t seem to change much and we don’t want to rock the boat so much that it tips over. So, they continue to get their way.
No longer, ladies!
The goal here is not to be infuriated.
The goal is to see the situation for what it is. It’s a game, and most men play it naturally. It’s just how they behave. Men go hard at what they want, even if it’s just to sit on the couch when they come home from work. And we let them get their way so they keep doing it.
We need to go for what we want just as hard as men do.
Think about it as a game of chicken: we need to play until we win.
Women in the 1% are good at playing chicken. They are much more likely to say “I don’t take ‘no’ for an answer. They are much less likely to “go with the flow.” These women don’t back down when guys do their typical guy thing. And they get rewarded for playing the game.
Think of the women in the CIA who pushed for years to get their intelligence about Osama Bin Laden’s location taken seriously. They didn’t back down and they didn’t take “no” for an answer.
Let’s follow their lead.
How To: Don’t take “no” for an answer
At Work: Imagine all of the scenarios when you conceded to keep the peace, so as not to seem whiny or to stand out. What could you have done differently to get your way?
If your boss, John asks who wants the big NYC project and your colleague Alex speaks up that it’s a perfect role for him even though you really want it and are well qualified for it. Do you roll your eyes and bite your tongue? Do you fight for it?
Play through what-if scenarios.
You: “Actually John, I did a great job with the Dallas project and think this would be a great fit. I’d also like to be considered for this one.”
John: “I understand, Sonal, but Alex already asked for it.”
You: “Yup, he asked first, but that doesn’t mean it’s a done deal or that he’s the only one suited for the project. What would it take for you to give me the project instead?”
(No whining, no tears)
John: Now Sonal, there’s no reason to get upset about this.
You (Smiling): John, you know I’m not upset, I’m advocating for this project and you and I both know I will do well for you.
OR
“I’m ready for a big project, and my results speak for themselves. If Alex gets this project, I expect to get the next big project and I’d like you to put it in writing that you’ll give it to me.”
AND
“If you’re not comfortable giving me the big project, what is it that you’re concerned about? I’d like to discuss it so I can do what it takes to get you comfortable.”
You might not get your way in the moment, but you’ll flex your muscles and get more of what you want over time.
At Home: You and your husband get home at the same time and he flops on the couch and loudly says “I am so exhausted.”
You say “I am so exhausted, too.” And then proceed to silently fume as you manage the kids and the dog, get the mail, and start on dinner, while your husband continues to sit on the couch.
You probably have said many times over the years, “I feel like you don’t put in your fair share.” You might have even cried about it. But nothing changes. So you resentfully do more work than you should just to get it done and keep the peace. You become an angry martyr.
You aren’t going to change if you continue down this path, but it’s not about arguing. It’s about requiring change.
Play through what-if scenarios:
You (in the moment): “Love that you’re taking a break - assuming you’ve got a plan to complete your To Do list this evening?”
Him: “I told you, I’m so tired.”
You: “And I told you, I’m tired, too. I expect you to put in your fair share.”
Him: “That’s aggressive! Geez, I just had a tough day at work.”
You: “I love you and I appreciate you had a tough day, but we’re both grownups and we both have responsibilities tonight.”
Him: “Wow, you’re getting mad. It sounds like you’re sitting there making some sort of list in your head against me.”
You: “This isn’t about being mad, it’s about being fair, and right now, it’s not fair. You’re right, I am making a list in my head, and I also have the list on paper. Let’s talk it through. I expect us to balance the load more fairly in the future.”
Don’t assume you’ll be met with a smile. Guys are used to having a very easy time winning this game. They’re not being jerks if they frown and push back, they’re simply uncomfortable with something they’re not used to. They are used to winning the game.
Lois P Frankel advises “don’t fall for it.” It’s just a ploy designed to get you to stay where you are.
Whether it’s conscious or not, stop falling for it.
If you’re playing the martyr or silently stewing, you’ve given up on the game.
Let’s play!
